儿童养育专家分享教育出成功孩子的父母都会做什么和不做什么？

发布时间：2025-06-02 09:02:07  浏览量：23

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美国知名大学的儿童教育教授卡拉・阿拉伊莫是2024年阿尔科夫出版社出版的儿童教育畅销书《超越影响：社交媒体对女性和女孩有害——我们如何夺回主动权》一书的作者。她在2025年5月31日在美国有线新闻网的文章中，以多名培养出成功子女的父母真实事例，分享了关于培养成功子女的最新研究成果，极具参考意义。主要内容如下：

阿拉伊莫教授推荐的儿童教育力作《家庭动力：探寻兄弟姐妹成功之谜的旅程》

一、不要越俎代庖，让教师、教练和导师在指导孩子方面发挥更重要作用

超级成功孩子的父母和监护人会让教练、教师和导师在帮助孩子实现目标方面发挥重要作用。

当杰里・格罗夫14岁的女儿萨拉在一个周日早晨告诉父亲，她想游过一片9英里宽的湖泊时，他本可以有几种反应：这个想法太疯狂了，甚至很危险。你应该先多练习游泳或者说我们已经有其他计划了。

但据苏珊・多米努斯在她刚出版的新书《家庭动力：探寻兄弟姐妹成功之谜的旅程》中写道，杰里选择了另一种做法，他和儿子乘船在萨拉游泳时陪伴在旁，而杰里的妻子、弟弟和弟媳则沿着湖边开车，以防萨拉需要乘车回家。

那天，萨拉最终游完了整个湖泊，并创下该镇的未成年人游泳纪录。

如今，萨拉・特鲁已是两届奥运会选手和职业运动员。她的哥哥亚当・格罗夫是一位成功的企业家，姐姐劳伦・格罗夫则是一位备受赞誉的小说家。

《纽约时报杂志》特约撰稿人多米努斯为撰写此书采访了六个家庭。她指出，对于长大后取得非凡成就的人来说，拥有培养他们独立性的父母是一个共同特征。

根据苏珊・多米努斯的《家庭动力》一书，超级成功的孩子往往有支持型而非事无巨细管控型的父母。

多米努斯强调，这些父母“不害怕让孩子在看似非常困难的事情上失败，他们让孩子自己做选择，即使知道这些选择会很艰难”。

这只是父母和监护人可以从她关于培养成功孩子的研究中吸取的经验之一。

作者苏珊・多米努斯在撰写其畅销书时采访了培养成功孩子的六个家庭

二、不要给教练当“教练”，甚至不要过度指导你的孩子

尽管多米努斯所描述的父母普遍支持孩子的梦想，但他们不会对孩子的成长过程进行事无巨细的管控。

多米努斯说：“这些家庭中没有一个父母过度参与孩子的教育生活，但他们会关注、支持并陪伴孩子。”当他们观看孩子的比赛时，不会试图告诉教练该如何指导孩子。

多米努斯指出，相反，父母主要专注于提供温暖、支持性的家庭环境，让教师、教练和其他导师来负责对孩子的指导和管教。

二、以身作则

在一定程度上，成年人不“过度育儿”是因为他们自己正忙于树立强有力的榜样，努力工作并为社区做贡献。多米努斯说，总体而言，无论他们是在外工作还是在家操持，他们“都在担当自己认为有意义的角色”。

20世纪50年代，另一位家长米利森特・霍利菲尔德在佛罗里达州抚养孩子时，说服该州为黑人女性创办了一所护理学校。她的一个孩子玛丽莲・霍利菲尔德在60年代初选择成为所在高中首批废除种族隔离的学生之一，后来成为当地的社区领袖，也是佛罗里达州一家大型律师事务所的首位黑人女性合伙人。米利森特的儿子毕晓普在哈佛大学法学院就读时，为推动学校的种族平等改革而奋斗，后来说服佛罗里达州重新开办佛罗里达农工大学法学院，以培养更多黑人律师。另一个儿子埃德则成为了心脏病专家和公共卫生倡导者。

多米努斯说，这些充满干劲的父母让孩子也相信自己能够征服世界：“许多这样的家庭都有一种巨大的乐观精神，光教育孩子保持乐观是一回事，但要让孩子们知道你是否真这么认为，父母必须以自己的人生经历为孩子树立保持乐观的理由。”最好的榜样是父母曾克服困难，“或者超越自我，甚至超越了社会的预期”。另一个共同主题是重视教育，保持好奇心，并乐于接受新体验，如旅行、艺术和音乐。

多鼓励而不是过度参与孩子的活动而挫伤他们的积极性

三、寻找合适的“社群”

为了让孩子拥有这些体验，培养出超级成功兄弟姐妹的父母需要找到合适的地方和合适的人，他们往往拥有支持性的“社群”。

多米努斯说：“他们不仅住在能提供丰富教育资源的社区，还充分利用这些资源。”

霍利菲尔德一家住在塔拉哈西的一所大学附近，他们充分利用这一优势，带孩子参加当地的文化活动，并为他们报名参加艺术课程、儿童戏剧和新闻工作坊。

其他父母则努力让孩子接触能够传授技能的成功人士。陈颖从中国移民到美国，每周在家族餐厅工作七天，英语并不流利，但她与结识的当地杰出音乐家建立联系，让孩子们学习乐器。

她的儿子易成为新成立的Toast餐馆公司的第五名员工，这家餐厅管理公司以波士顿历史上规模最大的首次公开募股上市。陈颖的另一个儿子刚加入了另一家著名初创公司Speak，该公司利用人工智能帮助人们学习语言。她的女儿伊丽莎白成为了一名医生，最小的儿子德文则进入亚马逊工作。

四、与孩子谈谈成功背后需要的付出

当然，我们并非都需要培养出首席执行官或奥运运动员。多米努斯的研究发现，那些将大量精力投入单一追求的人，往往很少有时间投入生活的其他方面。她说：“要取得真正伟大的成就需要牺牲：可能是在爱情方面，可能是在人际关系质量方面，也可能是在内心的平静、休息时间或自我反思等方面。”

如果孩子为自己设定了雄心勃勃的目标，最好“提醒他们这背后需要付出代价”。

五、不要因过度参与孩子的活动而挫伤孩子的积极性

父母或监护人常常担心自己在诸如是否和孩子同睡、如何惩罚孩子等问题上的决定是否正确，但多米努斯表示：“事实证明，这些差异对性格和其他结果等的影响要比我们想象的要小得多。”

多米努斯说，相反，要专注于与孩子建立牢固的关系，最重要的是“不要因为过度参与而打击孩子的积极性。”

多米努斯所描述的父母属于这样一类人：他们不会告诉孩子必须游过湖泊，而是在孩子想尝试时让他们去尝试，无论孩子是失败还是创下纪录，都会给予爱和支持。

Want your kid to be ultra successful? Don’t do this. Analysis by Kara Alaimo on CNN. Updated May 31, 2025.

Parents and guardians of ultra-successful kids let coaches, teachers and other adult mentors play an important role in helping children reach their goals.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Kara Alaimo is an associate professor of communication at Fairleigh Dickinson University. Her book “Over the Influence: Social Media Is Toxic for Women and Girls — And How We Can Take It Back” was published in 2024 by Alcove Press. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook and Bluesky.

When Jerry Groff’s 14-year-old daughter Sarah told him she wanted to swim across a 9-mile lake one Sunday morning, he could have responded in several ways: This idea is crazy — and even dangerous. You should practice swimming more first. We already have other plans.

Instead, Jerry and his son boated next to Sarah as she swam. And Jerry’s wife, brother and sister-in-law drove along the lake in case Sarah needed a ride home, Susan Dominus wrote in her just-released book, “The Family Dynamic: A Journey Into the Mystery of Sibling Success.”

Sarah ended up swimming the whole lake and setting a town record that day.

Today, Sarah True is a two-time Olympian and professional athlete. Her brother, Adam Groff, is a successful entrepreneur. And her sister, Lauren Groff, is an acclaimed novelist.

Having parents who fostered their independence was a common theme among people who have grown up to make outsize achievements, according to Dominus, a New York Times Magazine staff writer who interviewed six families for the book.

These parents “were not afraid to let their kids fail at something that seemed really hard,” she said. “They let their kids make their choices, even if they knew those choices would be difficult.”

It’s just one of the lessons parents and guardians can take from her research into raising successful kids.

Don’t coach the coach — or even your kids

While the parents Dominus profiled generally supported their kids’ dreams, they didn’t micromanage their children’s progress.

“In not one of these families were the parents overly involved in their kids’ educational lives,” she said. “They were paying attention, they were supportive, they were there.” But when they showed up for their kids’ games, they didn’t try to tell the coaches how to do their jobs.

Author Susan Dominus interviewed six families with high-achieving siblings for her latest book on raising successful children.

Instead, Dominus said, parents focused largely on providing warm, supportive homes and let people like teachers, coaches and other mentors handle the instruction and discipline of their children.

Lead by example

In part, adults didn’t “overparent” because they themselves were busy serving as powerful examples, working hard and contributing to their communities. Generally, whether they worked outside or inside the home, they “were in roles that they felt were meaningful,” Dominus said.

While she was raising her children in Florida in the 1950s, another parent, Millicent Holifield, persuaded the state to create a nursing school for Black women. One of her children, Marilyn Holifield, chose to be one of the first students to desegregate her high school in the early ’60s and went on to become a local civic leader and the first Black woman partner at a major law firm in Florida. As a Harvard Law School student, Millicent’s son Bishop fought for changes to promote racial equity at the school and later convinced the state of Florida to reopen the Florida A&M University law school so more Black lawyers could be trained. Another son, Ed, became a cardiologist and public health advocate.

These driven parents imparted the belief that their kids could conquer the world, too. “There was a tremendous optimism among so many of these families,” Dominus said. “It’s one thing just to say that. But your kids know if you feel it or if you don’t, and their own lives had given them reason for optimism.”

That’s because many of those parents had overcome difficult things “or surprised themselves or surprised even societal expectations.”

Another common theme was valuing education and being curious and open to new experiences, like travel, art and music.

Find the right villages

To have those experiences, the parents of ultra-successful siblings needed to find the right places and people. They tended to have supportive villages — literally and figuratively.

“They didn’t just live in neighborhoods that offered a lot of enrichment,” Dominus said. “They took great advantage of it.”

The Holifields lived near a university in Tallahassee and made the most of it by taking their kids to local cultural events and enrolling them in art lessons, a children’s theater and a journalism workshop.

Other parents worked to connect their kids to successful people who could teach them skills. Ying Chen immigrated to the United States from China, worked seven days a week in her family’s restaurant and wasn’t fluent in English, but she cultivated relationships with accomplished local musicians she met so her children could learn to play instruments.

Her son Yi became the fifth employee at Toast, a restaurant management business that went public with the biggest IPO in Boston’s history. Chen’s son Gang joined another notable startup, Speak, which uses AI to help people learn languages. Her daughter, Elizabeth, became a physician. And her son Devon went on to work for Amazon.

Talk about the downsides of success

Of course, we don’t all need to raise CEOs or Olympic athletes. People who pour so much energy into one pursuit often have less time to invest in other aspects of their lives, Dominus found in her research for the book. “To achieve really great things requires sacrifice — and that can be in love. It can be in quality of relationships. It can be in peace of mind, it can be in downtime, it can be in reflection,” she said.

If kids set hugely ambitious goals for themselves, it’s a good idea to “remind them that there are costs associated with it.”

Don’t sweat the smaller stuff

Parents or guardians often worry about whether they’re making the right decisions about things like whether to co-sleep or punish kids, but Dominus said “these variations, it turns out, have less effect on things like personality and other kinds of outcomes than we really imagined that they do.”

Instead, focus on having strong relationships with your children and, most important, Dominus said, “don’t demotivate your kid by being overly involved.”

The parents Dominus profiled were the kind who didn’t tell their kids they had to swim a lake but let them give it a shot when they wanted to — and were there to love and support them regardless of whether they failed or set a record.